If you’re the kind of person that throws caution to the wind, jumps out of airplanes without checking their parachute, or if you simply eat ridiculous things for very little to no money then I have only this to say to you: I GET you. You’re dumb but I get you.
Having eaten a couple of Carolina Reaper Chilis (not one but two) I can tell you with certainty that eating them was mere child’s play…
Child’s play, that is, when compared to the severe aftermath of what happens to your body after you eat them!
You can see from the video above that my cherubic features are under intense fire after consuming the two super-hot chilis. It’s an interesting sensation eating something that painfully spicy. It’s not the pain itself that’s interesting, that straight fucking sucks. The intriguing part to me is simply what the body wants to do with itself once it has detected the very dumb and stupid thing you’ve done to it.
Where does one even score these super-hot peppers? You can typically pick these up from places that sell the seeds. Cal Poly Pomona has such a program. For me, I have a guy who
First thing’s first…
The body knows something is wrong; it knows that the brain done messed up. The mouth is on fire, the throat, and tongue are not exempt from the torture either. All of your mouth instantly hates you, as the rest of your body is adjusting the new normal of pain and suffering you’ve just subjected it to.
The first thing you’re likely to notice, aside from feelings of instant karma and regret, is the onset of violent hiccuping and burping. It’s funny for a moment and then it’s not. As the pain burns on, you start producing tsunami-worthy levels of saliva, your nose begins dripping, whatever moisture is left in your body tries to escape in the form of tears and sweat. You’re a literal hot fucking mess! No one will ever right-swipe you on Tinder. Get outta here!
After four to six minutes of intense suffering, the heat levels begin to wane and things begin to cool down. You’ve made it you bad-ass Stud McMuffin! Good on you! No eat something nice and cool or drink some milk. You earned and your body is begging for it. Enjoy it, you heroic so-and-so because no one else is going to celebrate this victory with you. Instead, if like me, you posted a video like the one above so your loved ones could see, be prepared for messages telling you, “Hey buddy, that looked like it hurt. Please don’t do that again.” Or, “I hate seeing you suffer, please stop doing this shit.” It’s nice to know people care but it really puts a damper on what should be a joyous victory celebration.
Next thing’s next…
If you didn’t consume adequate amounts of casein (calcium, milk, etc) then you’ve got something to answer for from your stomach. The chilis finally make their way to your stomach. Even for a seasoned heat chaser a raw super-hot pepper can create serious issues and send them to the hospital.
You see, I went to bed — I foolishly thought I’d kicked those peppers right in the dick. The joke was on me as my stomach tried to digest them reapers and replied with Yeah, I’m gonna pass on these buddy. It’s your problem now. My stomach was rejecting the peppers I consumed and with good reason. I vomited the reapers. It was next level torture, like watching The Wicker Man, with my eyes pinned open while women from a cult poor fire ants on my body and let them bite me. I can now articulate how Nick Cage films make me feel, I have the tools now! What I threw up came up through my nose and it burned something fierce. I began sweating and hiccuping.
The stomach pain was so intense I called an on-call nurse to see if I was dying. She asked me some questions and said, “No, you’re not dying. What you’re feeling is stupidity and it hurts. Just ride it out fella.” I mean, she didn’t literally say that but the eye-rolling was audible (and justified).
After consuming the Reapers I can tell you that I’ve not suffered more physically from a poor life choice than I did then. Eating those two peppers by far is the dumbest thing I’ve done in the last week. I would not recommend to anyone. There are folks who can handle these peppers without issue, I’m not one of them. The people who can handle these peppers are made something different, they are the LeBron Jameses of spice eating, while I’m over here G-Leaguing that shit.
If you go forward and decide to eat one of these things don’t do it. Instead donate money to the Red Cross, reconsider your life, and cuddle something you love. I hereby hang up my tights and relinquish my title of Unofficial Pain and Suffering Correspondent for now, not forever.