I Don’t Know What to Write…

True fact. I don’t know what to write right now. Maybe I should sleep on it. I’m trying to commit to writing a little bit each day. So here we are…

I feel like I’m trying to make sense of what’s going on in my head presently. My confidence is lacking, I’m not able to solve things I think I should be able to solve. I find myself cursing at myself when I realize I’ve messed up. Bidding on my work projects is taking a hit, too. It’s not good, friends.

I’ve had some dark days, too. What do I mean by dark days? I mean I’ve literally contemplated the world without me in it. The thoughts were shortlived but troubling nonetheless. I’m working through it. I have a therapist I see when things get difficult. It helps and I’m grateful for it.

It’s hard to talk to people about these things because so few understand or I just don’t want to be vulnerable in front of folks because I feel like it’s something I do not deserve. That’s pretty messed up and this is a behavior pattern I’m trying (and have been trying) to break.

I think it’s clear that some of the things I’m dealing with stem from bad habits like too much social media, too much consumption of political discourse, too much work, too much screen-time.

What would the other side of this state of affairs look like?

On the greener side of the pasture, things would look a lot different. I would book regular travel, whether it’s a long weekend or a couple of months away. I would be learning a new subject or two, maybe Spanish finally. I would make a point to connect with my friends more and not whole-up in my apartment so much. Read more. Also remember: The grass is greener where you water it. You have the power to change. I have the power to change.

I could do any of the above NOW. So what’s stopping me from doing any or all of it? Me. Some days I feel like I can topple anything and other days I feel worthless and just plain unworthy at all. Some days you’re the hammer and some days you’re the nail.

Being active helps so much and I’m generally active five or more days per week.

Every day I have to do some sort of kindness for myself. Maybe I forgive myself; maybe I go for a run; maybe I write some things down; maybe I just focus on being nice to myself and try not to be so damn hard on myself.

Sleep. Get more sleep. That’s from present me to future me.

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